Tommyland Read online

  I’m not going to get all spiritual guy on you—the books I’ve read and the religions I’ve learned from are my business. I’ll list them later if you care to check them out, but I’m not going door-to-door with this shit. What works for one person sure as hell might not work for anyone else. But there’s one truth that’s real across the board: What you send out is what you get back. Send out the good, people, and it will come back to you. There’s another thing I’ve learned over the years: In court, in fights, and in arguments with people I love, there isn’t one truth, there are many. This book is my truth. Actually, I’ve got one more tenet to add to my state-of-the-union address. It’s a saying I found in an unlikely place: on a refrigerator magnet that I don’t even remember buying. What matters is what it says and where I’ve placed it. It’s in the heart of Tommyland, in my studio, behind the bar, stuck to my Jägermeister machine, and it says it all: We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.

  2 STATE OF SEDUCTION

  a.k.a.

  DR. LEE’S LOVE TIPS

  Tommy, we’ve discussed this before and I maintain that this chapter is way out of place. We’re just getting started and this is really jarring. You need to replace this chapter with the next one, State of Origin="1%".

  Listen Algernon, I’ve been way out of place and in the business of jarring people since I was seventeen. If that’s how you feel, that’s cool. But dude, it’s only chapter two, don’t go south on me this early. God, I feel like we’re breaking up before the honeymoon even started. C’mon! Learn to love it, let’s jar some people! People love getting jarred! That’s why they’re gonna buy this book. Again, mate, this stays.

  If you want a woman and you’re looking for one, then stop, because in love, you only find what you want when you’re not looking. If you’re on the prowl, think about your attitude: It’s clear that you’re trying too hard. And where do most people prowl? Clubs and bars. Trust me, if you’re digging for treasure in a Dumpster, you might find some, but you’re gonna get pretty fucking dirty rootin’ through all that trash. I shouldn’t say shit because, aside from Heather, I’ve met just about every woman I’ve ever been with in a club. But that’s because I don’t go anywhere during the day. Hey, maybe that’s my problem: I never meet the women I date in normal places like supermarkets or bookstores or kids’ soccer games. Whatever.

  Dr. Lee has learned a few things about sex and love over the years and here’s the first: Big girls are the hottest, craziest fucks ever. I’m talking about big girls—and I don’t mean tall. They are a screaming, fucking crazy hot, big yummy time, trust me. Big girls need love too, so be there for them, bros, and be prepared for them to go fucking nuts on you. I hate dudes who hate on big girls. Don’t hate on any girl because she’s anything. She’s a girl, dude. I’m proud to say that this Doctor does not discriminate. The girls in my life have come in all shapes and sizes. Diversity—that’s what the Doctor orders.

  A good idea to fire up your relationship is to drive down the highway at about sixty-five miles per hour and have sex with your girl. Now if that doesn’t excite you, you must be dead. But please believe me, you’ve got to be careful.

  I like danger, always have. I like feeling that good and knowing that I could die at any second. There are rules though. Never use cruise control if you plan to try this because you’ll end up cruising along like, “This is rad,” and then, boom! And there’s no bigger bummer than crashing your car midfuck. That is the worst wake-up call: If you don’t die, you’ve made your car into an accordion up the ass of an eighteen-wheeler. You’ll nurse your blue balls and broken bones on the side of the freeway waiting for the cops and the tow truck to show up—if you’re lucky. (Not to mention the damage an air bag will do.) You have to watch it when you cum too, dudes, because the rules of the road become completely irrelevant for a minute there. I don’t know about you, but when I’m cumming, I’m screaming, my eyes are closed, and I have no idea where I’m at. Not to mention how all us guys become stiff as a board from our ankles up when we have an orgasm, which can be lethal when one foot is on a gas pedal and you can’t see because there are tits in your face. And that is no way to drive down the freeway.

  But never fear. Some sex-maniac engineer at Mercedes has figured out a way around that problem. In the two-seat convertible I have there’s a computer that monitors how close you are to the car in front, behind, and to the sides of you. When you put on the cruise control you can tell it how many feet to stay away from the car ahead of you. I haven’t taken full advantage of it yet, but when the time is right, it’s on. Sometimes you just can’t wait until you get home to get some, you have to rock shit right where you are. Thank God for tinted windows. Oh yeah, don’t even think about trying this without tinted windows.

  * * *

  To turn up the heat even more, the Doctor recommends a company called Jungle Roses if you’ve got the love and the cash. It’s owned by Rodney Dangerfield’s wife and it specializes in exotic flowers. You can order petals from them—just rose petals—and completely rock your girl’s shit by covering your bed or whatever else you want with them. But you gotta go big. The pathway of petals must start in the front yard and lead into the house, up the stairs to where the bathtub is filled with warm water and more petals and then the bedroom, where the bed has to be covered with petals too. Lose the covers and top sheet, though. You don’t want to fuck with sheets when you get out of the tub and dive into bed. Making love with the smell of roses in the crack of your girl’s ass? It doesn’t get any better.

  While we’re on the subject of smells that inspire love and sex, Dr. Lee would like to recommend the gardenia, one of his favorite flowers. They are planted in my yard and I pick them all the time and leave a flower or two in bowls of water all around my house. If it were cool to walk around with a gardenia duct-taped to each nostril I would so that I could smell that scent all day long. I could smell that odor of horniness while I went about my business. I’m serious about gardenias. When I’ve been with women who wear perfume that has a trace of gardenia, I end up spraying it on myself. The Doctor doesn’t believe in gender-specific scents, and neither should you. You are allowed to smell like a flower if you are a man, don’t worry. Citrus smells are good too, my students, fresh and clean. If something smells like you can eat it, I’m down. Chocolate, fruit, certain spices—it’s all good. But if a girl walks by me smelling like a gardenia, I’m done. I have to go up to her to tell her that she smells fucking amazing. Smell is key, so remember this: If you’re into a girl and you want to know whether it’s really on or not, smell her. Just walk up to her and fucking inhale her, it’ll set it off or turn it off real quick.

  * * *

  Now Dr. Lee often hears from people chasing the dream, those hoping to land the ultimate dude accomplishment: a three-way with two girls. I have been with two chicks many, many times and it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Something drastic happens when you’ve got one person left out in the cold. There are only so many things you can all do together and there are a few lovely things you can do to both of them at the same time and them to you. But when it comes time for fucking, unless there’s something out there that I don’t know about, you’ve only got one dick. You can only give it to one girl at a time, so there’s always someone waiting. You can touch the other girl and watch her touch herself while you fuck the other one, but c’mon, you know she isn’t quite where she wants to be.

  The Doctor has the answer: The thing to do is have foursomes: three chicks and just you. Now that’s what I’m talking about. It’s an easy way around the threesome problem I kept running into. If you have three chicks as into one another as they are into you, you can fuck one and watch the other two go at it, which adds to the overall horniness. Everyone’s happy, everyone’s playing, and everyone has someone to do. Then you switch.

  After I did that once, that was it: The Doctor was converted. He will never agree to anything less. He may increase the number
of girls, but he will never be with fewer than three. One last note: To make the foursome work you have to have your bull’s-eye, your anchor girl, you know, and then she’s got to bring in her wing-women. Don’t try to mix that cocktail yourself—you probably can’t.

  * * *

  Here’s a word to the dudes. Think about how much maintenance women do to look good. Dudes, listen to me: Mow the front lawn and the backyard too. Trust me, the right woman—fuck that, any woman will appreciate it. Keep the pubes in control, shave the hair off your arms, but you can leave the legs alone. Leg shaving is weird. And if you have back hair so that your girl can knit a sweater up your spine, it’s all bad—do something about that. Buy a Weedwacker or Nad’s,* or fuck—go to a salon and get your shit waxed. If you’re all scared, feeling like hair removal ain’t macho, look at that pair of high heels you like your girlfriend to wear. You think that’s easy? Walk a mile in her shoes, dude. Fuck it, walk down a flight of stairs in her shoes and you’ll realize that the least you can do is keep your unit trim.

  Dr. Lee would like to take a moment to discuss a related item, that is, going south on a lady. I refer first to comedian Sam Kinison, who suggested that men trace the alphabet on their girl’s clitoris. It’s a good idea. It gives you a focus and it keeps you engaged. Of course if you don’t know the alphabet, you’re fucked. I do, and I like when I get to the letter “i” because I just grab the clit and suck on it to dot that fucker. But I don’t only do the alphabet, I mix it up: a little hard, a little fast, a little nibbling, and a lot of licking. My favorite thing to do when I’m in the southland is to pull my girl’s lips all the way back so that her little Gummi Bear just pops out at me. Dude, I love Gummi Bears! You do that and there she is, saying “Heeeay, I’m here! I’m sensitive, please be careful with me.” It’s good to bite her a little bit, but not too much. A lot of people forget that air is good too. When you’re down there and your girl is all wet and you’ve got her lips pulled back and her clit sticking straight out, send in some air, dude. Air is good. Just pull back and send a little breeze over it, just a little subtle blast in to cool Mama Bear off. Trust me.

  A little throat vibration is good too. Say after me, “Hmmm.” Tell your girl to return the favor—that’s why it’s called a hummer, people. Water is always a good thing to have around too. If you’re in a bathtub—which is, of course, an awesome place to partake—and you have one of those spray attachments: Use it. Ladies like it, please believe. A lot of girls masturbate by getting all up under the faucet. If you don’t have a tub, use the shower. If you’re in a pinch and you don’t have a shower, it’s okay, urine works too. She can play Fireman while you play the Hose.

  The doctor has some practical advice for you too, kids. Dudes, actually, this is serious—fucking listen up. Do you guys know Peter North? He’s a porn star and if you’ve seen him even once you know who he is. He’s the guy who sandblasts every single girl in his scenes with a gallon of man juice. He is ridiculous. It’s like the guy has a hose with some tank full of stuff that you can’t see and a trigger in his dick that lets loose a fucking blast that could hit your grandma from here, no matter where she lives.* When I had a party at my house that he came to, I wasted no time with small talk and asked him straight up how the fuck he made that happen each and every time he did a movie. I mean, I’ve had my good days, but, dude, this guy is consistently on some other shit that’s not even human.

  Peter’s real cool, he just told me what he does like it’s no big thing. Which it isn’t if you think about it—busting nuts is that guy’s office job. That’s fucking awesome! So here you go, a secret from the Jizzmaster: The day before Peter North shows up to shoot a scene, he eats an entire bunch of celery. He told me that there is a ton of water in celery, which gets shit started down there. There’s also a lot of other stuff in celery that, like, triples your supply somehow. I believe it—and if you’ve seen his movies you probably do too. But aside from the androsterone that celery releases in your body and the mild aphrodisiacal qualities that that chemical has on the opposite sex, the Doctor can’t verify the effects of celery on the wad supply first-hand. A bunch is a lot of celery, bro. Pete’s not talking about a stalk or two, which is all that I’d be able to scarf down. He is talking about the whole fucking bunch you get at the store. If you’re thinking about Viagra, I’m telling you, try this first. It’s a cheap over-the-counter alternative—and it’s all natural! Man, I wish I could get that big green bunch down in a day. I wish I would fucking remember to try that the day before I want to coat a lady. Celery... that’s crazy. Big props, Pete. And good luck.

  Let’s not forget to drink our pineapple juice every morning either, fellas. A glass a day will do ya—an hour before you get it on is even better. It’ll make your cum sweet and your girl will definitely love you for that. That’s one for you, ladies!

  * * *

  You guys need to know that Dr. Lee is pretty much always “in” unless I’m working, stressed, miserable, or in a fuckin’ load of trouble. That means that the female anatomy is consistently on the Doctor’s mind, please believe. The longest time that it wasn’t was the four months I was in jail.* When I got out, I celebrated my freedom in the best and worst way: a visit from a pair of cheap hookers. I’ve done a lot of shit, I’ve been low, I’ve been high, but that night, when those girls left, is one of the times I can easily say I felt worse than the lid on a rancid can of fuck. It was fucking terrible. I’m totally not a hooker kind of guy at all. But I was so out there, so tweaked by solitary confinement, that I had totally forgotten how to relate to anyone or anything. Fuck, I had a hard time just holding up a conversation. It sucked.

  I thought getting laid was the answer. Boy was I wrong. The hookers came over and got the pent-up sex out of my system but it made me feel worse. After that, sex grossed me out for a long while—and that was weird as hell. There had never been a time in my life when a sexual experience had not made me just want more sex.

  PLEASE, DON’T GO THERE.* I BARELY SURVIVED.

  I HAD LOST THE WILL TO LIVE.

  LIFE WAS A CLOUDY DAY

  WITHOUT END TO ME.

  Listen, don’t get me wrong. The Doctor isn’t just a doctor of sex, he’s also a doctor of love. Here’s a relationship tip for you: If you want drama in your life, marry an actress. That should be a bumper sticker. Please believe, I know this is true because I’ve done it twice.† The Doctor is over that. The next girl I marry is going to be selling purses in Zimbabwe or working at the mall, or even better yet: a nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store. I’m done with drama—I’ve overdosed on it too many times. I don’t want a famous girl anymore, I just want a normal girl with a job, please. It would be great if I could get involved with a chick who doesn’t even know who I am. Maybe she’ll be some babe who lives on a compound in Boise, Idaho. Maybe she’ll be Amish—one of those girls taking her break to figure out if she wants to be Amish or not.* I hear there’s a town in Amish country called Intercourse. My dream girl awaits me. I can tell you how it would end too. On our first date out of Amish territory, out in the real world, she’d be so freaked out by what she’d hear about me that she’d run home and be Amish forever. If the Amish had a convent, she’d go join it. I’d love to meet a woman who is like, “Tommy Lee? Who is that?” But the Doctor is realistic. He knows that this is probably not possible. It would be fun to try though. We might have a good run of anonymous love until the first time we took a walk somewhere. She’d be like, “Why does everyone know you? What do you do? Why are you always looking over your shoulder?” Um... I don’t know.

  Sometimes the good Doctor is jealous of his friends who are able to meet normal girls and just hang out with them. One of my favorite things in the whole world is watching two old-as-fuck people walking down the street, still kissing or holding hands at lunch, not doing anything but looking into each other’s eyes and having a conversation. You just know they still love each other. Think of that visual the next time you see a young couple tog
ether with so much ahead of them and absolutely nothing to say to each other. You know who I’m talking about: They’re both on their cell phones, one is clicking away on his Crackberry, emailing whoever-the-fuck. My favorite is when one of them is sitting there reading and the other isn’t. That’s tight.

  When I see people who still have something to talk about and they’re old, I get so happy just knowing that it’s possible. I watch my buds play with chicks they meet and I see them go do normal shit, which, hello, is what makes the world go round. Dr. Lee has had dreams of doing stuff like going down to the beach, meeting a rad surfer chick, and feeling how excellent it is to take her out for a hot dog. He has also thought about what he would need to do to make that situation happen. He’s thought about buying a wardrobe of long-sleeved shirts and shaving his head. That’s as far as he will fuck with his appearance for a lady.

  I guess meeting new people is always a form of rolling the dice. You never know what you’re going to get, even when you seem to be rolling a winner. And if I look at the hands I’ve thrown, I’m thinking the dice are already loaded, usually on both sides.

  I have one more subject to cover before I make my house calls. Dr. Lee has very strong opinions on the subject of porno. It’s all about sex, so why are there always so many things wrong with your average porn movie? Why does the music suck? Why does the cameraman always focus on the wrong thing? Why do they even make porno that doesn’t show penetration? What the fuck is that? That’s what the Playboy Channel serves up. C’mon, Hef, let’s rock the shit! Show those fine-ass girls takin’ it in the ass through a fish-eye lens. What the fuck do you think we’re showing up for? To be teased?